Amazing Grace

Well, here we are, mid January, and still waiting on a phone call.  

I've been feeling a bit beat up, tired, and worn.  I'm sure the same is for Jeremy.  We finally  heard something from Little Rock-they want to do a sedated MRI to see the aortic arch, and to get a better view of her BAV. Now we're waiting for the call to go have the MRI, then surgery a few days later. 

When I say this is the most terrifying thing I've ever encountered, I don't say that lightly.  Somehow, though, Jeremy and I are moving through it.  A dear friend recommended the sermon by TD Jakes called "Trusting God When He Says No".   First of all-whoa at the title!  Second of all, whoa at that sermon!  See, it would be EASY to believe right off the bat that since I'm speaking supernatural healing, and I believe it with all my heart, and no doubt in my mind, that it's going to manifest.  Well...I believed for that when we first got the diagnosis and went through the first echo cardiogram.  Then we had the second, and the diagnosis was even WORSE.  Then her case has been reviewed not by one, but by TWO leading cardiology teams, and that was even worse.  After a while, it became REALLY difficult to sit back and say "I believe in supernatural healing, she doesn't need surgery, blah blah blah."  At that point, I knew my faith had to change, or risk being lost all together.  My prayer wasn't unanswered-it wasn't answered in the way that I wanted it to be.

See, I knew that if I kept believing for no surgery, and we went into surgery, my faith would be irreparably cracked.  Three years ago Jeremy and I were going through a really bad time in our marriage.  I wasn't 100% confident that we were going to pull through.  I was angry at everyone, and especially angry with God.  I know that another crisis of faith would take me down a road that I am not willing to travel, so I had to do some studying, some praying, to figure out WHAT I am believing for.  That brings me to this:

I think I'm in pretty fair company, waiting on God's Will to be done.  The apostle Paul, you know, the guy who wrote 2/3 of the New Testament, cried out 3 times for God to remove the thorn in his flesh, (2 Corin 12:7-9) and Jesus, Son of God, prayed 3 times for God to take the bitter cup from Him (Luke 22:39-44).  That being said, thank God for His grace making me strong in my weakness, because I've begged, pleaded, cried out, prayed more than the 3 times that these amazing men did, and the situation hasn't budged.  That tells me that I've got to line up, and walk out believing that God's will be done, not mine, and HE will provide me with sufficient grace in my weakness.  

So, there's that.  I have people telling me that I need to speak what I want to see, and believe that it will happen.  That's NOT where I am, or what I know I can believe.  No one wants their child to be this sick.  No one wants their child to go through this very invasive procedure.  I sure don't.  So I kind of feel that for me to just sit there and say "I want my child to be whole.  I want my child to be healed.  I want my child to not have any heart problems.  I don't want my child to have surgery." is kind of akin to burying my head in the sand.  Of course, I don't want my child to go through any of this.  I've begged, prayed, cried, pleaded that God take this from her.  And yet, here we are.  

Then comes grace.  New Testament Greek word for grace is charis, meaning "the divine influence upon the heart, and its reflection in life".  What exactly does that mean?  The apostle Paul said it best in 2 Corinthians  12:9 "My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness."  When I'm weak, God's grace makes me strong.  His grace gives me the ability to keep moving forward.  His grace gives me the strength to believe that His Will be done in Asher's life, not my will.   His grace gives me the comfort to believe where I am, even when every other person in the world is telling me that I'm not believing the right way, or for the right thing. 

"'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace, my fears relieved.  How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed."   -"Amazing Grace", John Newton